Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
