No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
