i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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