My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
