he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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