Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
