so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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