i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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