I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
