no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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