I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
