we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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