The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
