I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
