You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
