Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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