I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
