while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
