I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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