and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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