well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
