yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
His hands were made for my vagina.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
