I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
