I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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