please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
