I didn't shave. On purpose
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
