In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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