two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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