Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
