Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
