Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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