Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
