so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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