I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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