Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
