you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
