i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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