How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
