I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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