The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
