There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Text me some of your sweat
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
