i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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