dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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