when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
