you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
