Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
