He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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