planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
