I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
