i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
