trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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