I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
