No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You're like the curious george of whores
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
