Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
