I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
