So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
