mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
